Top Gear Season 14 Episode 5

The show’s packed but not really action filled. In the words of Jeremy Clarkson, “I get scared half to death on our track. We host our own art exhibition. And a world champion is in our reasonably-priced car.”

To open the show, Jezza goes out on the track with the new Noble M600. Unlike most supercars of today, the car doesn’t boast of a carbon-fiber chassis. Instead, the Noble has a stainless steel one. It’s powered by a V8 lifted from the unflattering Volvo XC90. Only Noble had the good sense of twin-turbocharging it.

Its £200,000 price-tag might be seen as a stiff price especially since the car doesn’t even have sat-nav, climate control, and even anti-lock brakes. So what’s wrong with the current line of supercars, some of which can be had at a price much lower than the M600? Well Jezza makes the point clear as he blitzes the car past a Porsche, a Ferrari, a Lambo, an Aston, and a McLaren Mercedes. The car is fast.

It’s top speed is 225 mph thanks to the 650 hp power and 1250kg weight. The car even features a switch that comes from a Tornado fighter-bomber design not to be used by accident. Instead of firing a missile, though, it switches the traction control off. Then Jezza scares himself half to death.

Jezza’s verdict: When you switch the controls to a road setting it becomes a tamer animal and not too difficult to drive. It is quiet and comfortable. There are several reasons for one not to buy one (referring to all the other supercars) but one very good reason to get it (the speed). Around the track in the hands of the Stig, the Noble goes round in 1:17.7 – 4th fastest on the board behind the Gumpert, the Ascari, and the Koenigsegg.

On to the news. The have the Aston Martin Rapide in the studio which James May talks about for a bit. Since it’s Christmas, they feature car-inspired gifts like the RAC Eau de Voiture car perfume (and Jezza accidentally sprays some in his face), turn idicators for people, a Land Rover distress whistle, a Mercedes-Benz shirt (which Jezza sets on fire), a fork that has a 10mm spanner on the other end, an attachment that you slip in your exhaust to make your engine sound like it’s turbocharged, and a Richard Hammond calendar.

On to their main feature – the boys try to creat their own art exhibit. In an ingenious solution to dropping art gallery attendances, the boys set out drawing 30,000 attendees to a Mima gallery exhibit featuring car-related art. In addition to selecting existing art pieces, the boys also set about creating their own pieces.

James tries to create a sculture of his face using old car parts. Richard (who went to art school) tries make a painting of a Pagani Zonda with a small town backdrop. Jezza tries to create a painting by shooting paintballs out of an Red Bull F1 car onto a piece of canvass. He also tries to create a 200mph painting by spraying the F1 car with UV paint and having David Coulthard drive the car so that the paint streaks according to the airflow.

In an expected twist of bollocks, Richard’s painting falls into a pond. James’ sculpture bursts in flames while making it and collapses when an art critic looks at it. Jezza got a piece hit in the crotch by paintballs when they burst through the canvass. In a second attempt to have an art work, they set about painting a car with the theme of painting the inside parts of the car on the outside. They also tried creating another one by cutting the car in half only to find out that the car’s a rental.

Back to the studio for Jenson Button as the star in the reasonably-priced car. This is Jenson’s second time to guest on Top Gear. Fans might remember that Jezza ridiculed Jenson for not winning a race in his first appearance. Hi new lap time: 1:44.9 on a damp track. He wasn’t able to beat Lewis Hamilton’s 1:44.7 in the wet. His old mark was a 1:44.7 in the dry.

On to the last part of the art exhibit feature. In preparation, the boys are handed out tasks. Richard’s supposed to do rounds across radio stations to publicize the event. James has to do an audio guide for the tour. Jezza has to drive the car to the venue. And they cock it up. Hammond just talks about everything else but the exhibit. James makes a confusing audio guide. Jezza drives the car to a ditch.

Still, the exhibit opened and the queues didn’t even exceed 100. So they decided to plug the event at the football match. They appeared on the pitch wearing Newcastle jerseys to the ire of the Middlesborough crowd. A quick costume change and they make the proper plea to the public to drop by the Mima gallery. They drew a large crowd and the shmables that is James’ audio guide.

The exhibit drew only 15,000 – half of what they set as target but still a record for the Mima gallery.

Top Gear returns next week for their South America special.